Whore.
Easy.
Loose.
Tramp.
Not just an acrostic poem for the word "Swelt," which, ironically, means to swoon. No, those are all words that are used to shame women sexually. And not just by men, either:
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Slut.
Whore. Easy. Loose. Tramp. Not just an acrostic poem for the word "Swelt," which, ironically, means to swoon. No, those are all words that are used to shame women sexually. And not just by men, either:
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I need to write but I don't know about what, so I'm just gonna type until words and phrases materialize.
Remember how I was writing for isportsweb? Yeah, not so much anymore. I resigned because 1.) I don't have a ton of time for it, with Redskins training camp kicking into full gear (more on that below) and me beginning the long journey that is my SUPERSECRET project I've teased a few times on Twitter. But I also resigned because 2.) I hated how things were being run over the last few months. When I joined the site a little over a year ago, they gave me and the rest of their writers free reign to write about whatever we saw fit, so long as it related to the team we were covering. Total creative freedom, and I took full advantage, writing some pretty "out-there" pieces that were super fun to put together. Heck, once I wrote about how the Redskins needed to take advice from the Arthur theme song. And they loved it. Recently however, the brothers (I will not name them in case they are reading this, but it's not hard to find out who they are) running the site have become a lot more . . . hands-on, in their management approach. It began gently enough; they would send a blast email to their writers saying something along the lines of "Write something about the Redskins and the trade deadline," which was fine, seeing as any competent writer would have written a piece for the occasion anyway. But then it got a little more complex. They'd get specific. For example: You've probably seen the video I'm gonna post below, like, a lot of times before. I don't care. Watch it again. Go on, admit it. It's funny. And catchy. And overall a pretty good satire. Here's the thing, though. I don't think it's making fun of who it thinks it's making fun of. See, there are absolutely people in this world who do everything that Jorma and Akiva do in that video. But those people aren't real sports fans; they're people who want to seem like sports fans. And hell, maybe that's the video's point (it's 2 a.m. as of this writing and I've had some Drunk Germans [which are delicious and you should drink, and also, good job today Germany], so I may be way off base here. This is really a minor thing in the grand scheme of this article, anyway). Look, what I'm trying to say is that for Real Sports Fans™ like myself, none of that crap really matters. Sure, parties to watch the big game are a blast. Yep, I watch highlights every night before I go to sleep, and I usually watch them again in the morning for good measure. 75-yard touchdowns, 9th inning home runs, buzzer-beating 3 pointers, every single second of NHL playoff hockey; Those are the reasons I like sports. But none of those are reasons why I LOVE sports. Here are those: If you follow me on Twitter, you know that I had an excruciatingly long wait for a repairman on Friday. Well, he didn't finish, so I have to wait for him again now, and it's 8:42 a.m. and I've been up since 7 a.m., which is TOO EARLY TO WAKE UP. So I'm a little grumpy, you see.
Which means I need to rant on a few things. Y'all miss this? I did. Here we go: - Why do people say "It's the least I could do" when someone thanks them for doing a deed? All that says to me is that you COULD HAVE done more than you did, but you didn't care enough to make a bigger effort. Or you're just one of those people who settles for mediocrity. Either way, I TAKE BACK MY THANKS, SIR OR MADAM. ONLY MAX EFFORT FOLKS GET THANKED. Stop saying this, y'all. It is very dumb. - I might be alone on this one, but if I text someone to see what's up and maybe to hang out or something, please text me back. At some point. Even if you don't wanna hang out, which is fine! Totally fine. I'd much rather you say "I'm just not up for it today," etc., than get no response at all. It's rude, plus it automatically makes my mind jump to the Darkest Timeline. "What if (s)he hates me now? WHAT IF (S)HE DIED AND NOW I'M JUST TEXTING A GHOST PHONE?!?" Don't make me think these thoughts, please. Shoot a text back. - You know how people make bad puns? (If you follow me on Twitter, you should be nodding your head vigorously). Well, usually when people make one, other people in the room laugh. And also maybe groan, but they also laugh. If the person says the pun knowing full-well other people will laugh at it, and then they do, shouldn't that make them good puns? At the very least, they should be called smart puns and be awarded points for knowing your target audience. Except the REALLY bad ones. Those are simply bad and not smart. A la, my Twitter feed. My followers are troopers, man. (I'd also like you to note that thus far I have made zero puns in this column. I'm trying to cut back. One might slip soon though. Sorry in advance if it does.) - The following is a list of underrated bands that you should listen to immediately:
And for Outkast, try putting on an album OTHER than Stankonia. You were wondering why they are on my list? Not many people listen to their best two albums, Aquemini and Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik. Everyone loves Stankonia. That's the radio side of 'Kast. Now get to know the other side. - For my Midwest readers: Do they teach y'all to walk properly? I'm serious. Y'all seem to have trouble keeping on the right side of the sidewalk when walking. And it's even worse when going through a doorway. STAY TO THE RIGHT, Y'ALL. It's not that hard to be a functioning member of society, and yet at Mizzou I see at least 5-6 people fail at it every day. Damn, y'all. Stay to the right. - RAPID FIRE GO
Related (and now that I've already punned once): I may have mentioned this before on here, but it's ridiculous that there is not an upscale Thai restaurant called Suit and Thai ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD (as of about a month ago at least; I've researched this thoroughly). Also, if there was such a place, it should play the Timberlake song at the top of every hour like Cheeburger Cheeburger does. I would go to Suit and Thai every day and just hang out, even though I couldn't eat anything b/c fuck peanut allergies. Phew. That was kinda long, huh? And I didn't even plug my other articles*! Thanks for hangin' in there. I'm gonna do this again soon. I know I always say that, but I mean it this time. It's the least I could do. *loljk read them now: http://isportsweb.com/author/kohn/ Today, a friend of mine told me she was raped.
A few months ago, a different friend told me she had been raped. I don't know if it's because I know these two women personally, or because in the Internet Era stories spread at lightning speed, or because also today, news broke of Colin Kaepernick being investigated for sexual assault in Miami, and Dorial Green-Beckham committing violent acts against a woman and her boyfriend, or because I covered the topic of sexual assault for a final project last semester, but it sure seems like these attacks are becoming more and more prevalent. And it needs to stop. I'm tired of all the victim-blaming that occurs in bro-culture today (and I'm in a fraternity, so I'm not a "Greek hater" or anything). "She was wearing next-to-nothing, she was asking for it." Guys, shut the fuck up with that shit. Women can dress however the hell they want. Men should be able to control themselves. And the "asking for it" argument carries no weight whatsoever; as the old saying goes, everything is about sex except for sex. Sex is about power. And rape is no different. Prevention needs to begin with education. Groups like Men Can Stop Rape are good building blocks, but more needs to be done. Honestly, it's sad that a blog post like this one even needs to be written. I thought parents taught their kids right from wrong. Hell, I didn't think parents even needed to tell their kids not to stick their dicks in other people unless that person says it's OK. Isn't that instinctive? Isn't that just being a decent human being? And don't even try to give the "I was drunk" excuse. You know how alcohol makes you act. You control how much of it you put into your system. You are absolutely responsible for whatever you do under the influence. If anything, it just makes it worse. Men are naturally animalistic. We like to believe we are the dominant sex, and within that group, we like to believe we are more dominant than other males. We feel the need to prove it to ourselves. It's essentially caveman behavior. But it doesn't have to stay like this. Rape will always exist in some form. There will always be bad eggs. But its frequency can be dropped dramatically if people actually try and prevent it. Spread awareness of it. Educate young kids on it. This isn't the Paleolithic Era anymore. We live in a burgeoning society. It's time we started acting like it. Ok, I don't know if you really missed me or even noticed I hadn't posted in about 4 months. But here I am. Back again. And with a little ranting to do.
Writers and reporters: Stop using headlines like the one above. It reeks of amateurism and desperation. Worse than that, it tells me you have absolutely no confidence in your topic du jour or the strength of your writing. I instantly know that you're lazy and just after clicks instead of being passionate about what you're sharing with the world. If the story is strong, it will speak for itself, and people will want to pass it on to their friends. When I see sensationalist headlines nowadays, I don't even bother clicking through, because I know that A) the link will not live up to it's headline, and B) it gives headlines like that more credibility. I know that there's a growing movement on Twitter and other social media sites, as well as on respectable digital journalism publications, to get rid of this textual diarrhea as well. Just stop. For everyone's sake. Whew, that felt good. Ok, let's move on to the random crap, shall we? - Stop saying things like you're going "up to Florida" when you're currently in DC or Missouri or wherever. Look at a map. Florida is south of you. You're going DOWN to Florida. Learn orientation. Whenever someone says something like this I want to do them harm. It's not healthy, and I don't WANT to want to hurt you, so say it right, ok? Thanks y'all. - Oh, Crapitals. How I love you, even though you are abysmal 75 percent of the time, and brilliant the other 25 percent. GMGM, get Ovi some help, please. One man cannot carry a dreadful team all season long, no matter how phenomenal he is, and it's starting to show right now. Also, I'd rather sit down and watch First Take every day of my life than watch the John Erskine-Connor Carrick tandem attempt to play defense ever again. - Super Bowl prediction: Denver 27, Seattle 24. Mostly because the Seahawks are evil incarnate. Except for Derrick Coleman. Derrick Coleman is an inspiration and a hero. But the rest of 'em make me physically sick to see succeed. And yes, Super Bowl is in fact two words, not one. I don't know how people keep messing that up. - Everyone interested in stand-up comedy: Go listen to John Mulaney and Mike Birbiglia right now go go go go go - In you didn't know (not sure if I posted it here), I'm writing over at SB Nation's Hogs Haven now, in addition to still doing a few things here and there for Isportsweb. I'd love for you to check it out. - Are the Canadiens a good hockey team? Habs-olutely. Sorry, had to get that one out of my system. They are pretty good though. - My playlist as of late: Lots of The Lawrence Arms, Taking Back Sunday, Schoolboy Q, Salt-N-Pepa, The Killers, Nickel Creek, Manchester Orchestra, and, as always, Ginuwine's "Pony". - Hey Orioles: Do something. Anything. Please. I'm begging you, Mr. Duquette. Give me a reason to believe in the 2014 team. I'm losing hope by the bucketful nowadays. I think that's just about it. I'll try and update this thing more regularly. I missed ranting like this. The lovely people over at 99designs are running a contest from now until (at least) Wednesday. Whoever can come up with a logo for one of the following new team names for Washington will win a prize of $500: The Generals, The Renegades, The Griffins. Journalists Robert McCartney of The Washington Post; Hogs Haven editors Ken Meringolo and Kevin Ewoldt; and David Plotz of Slate (who came up with each of the names, respectively) will serve as the judges. For the unfamiliar, 99designs is the world's largest online graphic design marketplace and have hosted more than 245,000 design contests and paid out more than $60 million to designers since their 2008 launch. The contest has already begun, and I'll post some submitted designs below to give you an idea of what they are looking for: Washington Warriors (by Danestor): Washington Renegades (by Eclectic Media): Washington Griffins (by Zamzami): If you decide to enter, I'd love to hear from you. Good luck! Next week will be insane. THAT'S A TEASE, FOLKS. This week is decent as well. Let's dive in. Danny Brown - Old: DIP I DIP YOU DIP, DIP I DIP YOU DIP I DIP. (just listen if you like rap ok this thing bangs) "Dip" DOUBLE DIP OF DANNY (see what I did there it's two songs) "Smokin & Drinkin" Justin Timberlake - The 20/20 Experience, Pt. 2/2: Sounds more like FutureSex/LoveSounds than it does Part 1 of "the Experience", but it's good nonetheless. The second half is far, far superior to the first, however. Album closer (and the best song *NSYNC never wrote) "Not A Bad Thing" is below. Sorry about last week, been a little busy. Still am, actually, so this will be quick. But I had to write up a little something. Kings of Leon - Mechanical Bull: JUST LISTEN TO IT IT'S GREAT. "Tonight" is below. Drake - Nothing Was The Same: Uh..... JUST LISTEN TO IT IT'S GREAT. "Wu-Tang Forever" is below. Butch Walker - Peachtree Battle: Look, you're gonna sense a theme here.... just listen to this, it's fantastic. ALL BUTCH WALKER EVERYTHING. This might be my favorite EP this year. "Coming Home" is below. Stray From The Path - Anonymous: Great workout music. If you like Rage Against The Machine, you'll love this. It gets the people GOING!! "Badge and a Bullet" is below. A few of those are from last week, but oh well. Next week it's THE 20/20 EXPERIENCE PT.2 !!!! (Spoiler Alert: It rules). Also might try and do RANDOM POST #3. We'll see. Enjoy, folks.
There are a handful good albums out this week, including Janelle Monae's very ambitious (and awesome) double album The Electric Lady, Balance and Composure's fantastic sophomore effort The Things We Think We're Missing, and Moving Mountains' self-titled effort, which is beautiful. But I want to switch the focus over to the singles this week. Because there are some AMAZING ones. Including: Meg Myers' weirdly-violent-but-also-totally-sexy new one "Desire" off an upcoming untitled EP: (not on Youtube yet, listen HERE). New Found Glory's (oddly, also slightly violence-themed) adrenaline-filled "Connect The Dots" off of their upcoming live album: Arcade Fire's Bowie-inspired, dance-y, almost 8 minute long single "Reflektor" off of the album of the same name: And, AFI's electronically-tinged pulse pounder of a rock anthem "The Conductor", off of their new album Burials: So, yeah. Pretty awesome week all around.
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