Bored. Time for some stream-of-consciousness writing.
This one might get WEIRD.
- Here are some good words, feel free to use them in your every day life (gotta look up the definitions yourself though because what do I look like, Google?):
Farceur
Bugbear
Mumpsimus
Cacophony
Vicissitude
Pari passu
Skulduggery
Ambrosial
Carom
Spoony
Slake
- When I was in Canada, I was going to go up to the top of the CN Tower, but then I saw that the line was about 50 kilometers long and was like FUCK THAT NOISE. Long lines are one of the worst things in the world. Here, now, is a list of all the worst things in the world, #1 being The Worst Of The Worst:
- I almost put Kale instead of Brussel sprouts in that list, but changed my minds. At least kale is really healthy. B.S. are useless and I don't know anyone who eats them voluntarily. Other useless veggies: Okra, iceberg lettuce (seriously just use spinach people), rutabagas, parsnips, black radish.
- I don't trust anyone who doesn't like dogs. You gotta have a real crater in your heart to not love those furry dudes.
- I mentioned this on Twitter but it is ASTOUNDING that it took until the year 2014 for a company to use the pun "Enjoyabowl" in a marketing campaign. You go, Purina One. Very sad I did not think of this first.
- Why don't murderers just take the bodies to an incinerator? Like, you already killed someone, might as well put "breaking and entering" on the list. It's not like it would be hard. Wait, do incinerators have security guards? Is that why they don't do it? Or is an incinerator just REALLY hard to operate, and most murderers don't have the knowledge necessary to run one on their own? Can cops identify someone from their ashes? Lots of factors in play here. CSI or somebody should do an episode around this.
- FUNNIEST ATHLETES OF ALL TIME* (can be intentional, unintentional, or both)
*like the last few years or whatever
- Unintentional comedy is the best comedy. One time, when me and my family were at the beach, we were playing this game Guesstures, which is basically charades but you get four topics at once and there's a timer and you can use props. OK. So my sister was up to go for my team. We get the first two (I don't remember what they were), but not all that quickly, so we've really gotta hustle on these last two, and my sister is aware of this. She takes one look at the topic card and BOLTS for the kitchen. Like, the fastest I've ever seen her go in my entire 19 years on this planet. She rips the fridge door open, scans its contents with the intensity of a thousand death hawks, and finds what she's looking for: a freshly bought glass jar of strawberry jelly. She grabs it and slams the door shut. She sprints back, determined to have us guess the clue in nick of time. Unfortunately for her, in all the excitement of the moment she forgot that between the living room and the kitchen in this particular beach house lies a single, intrusive step. She trips. Down she goes. Up flies the jelly, then it crashes on the floor and shatters into oblivion. The bloody-looking jelly remnants paint everyone in the room. It was, to this day, the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. But here's the kicker:
The clue wasn't even jelly. It was jam. FUCKING JAM.
Real life is the greatest.
This one might get WEIRD.
- Here are some good words, feel free to use them in your every day life (gotta look up the definitions yourself though because what do I look like, Google?):
Farceur
Bugbear
Mumpsimus
Cacophony
Vicissitude
Pari passu
Skulduggery
Ambrosial
Carom
Spoony
Slake
- When I was in Canada, I was going to go up to the top of the CN Tower, but then I saw that the line was about 50 kilometers long and was like FUCK THAT NOISE. Long lines are one of the worst things in the world. Here, now, is a list of all the worst things in the world, #1 being The Worst Of The Worst:
- Stubbing your toe real hard
- TIE: The word "spew" / the word "curd"
- Slow walkers
- Getting pushed into a train by Frank Underwood
- Kansas' new football uniforms
- Waiting in a really long line
- Detroit
- Brussel sprouts (you could flip 7 & 8 and I wouldn't be upset with you)
- People who still spout out lines/jokes from movies that are like a decade old
- My nephew's poopy diapers
- Getting a pimple on your lip in a spot where people think it's "the herp" and then you have to convince them that it's not and they say they believe you but they obvs don't and now they look at you all funny every time you see them
- Post-"50 First Dates" Adam Sandler movies
- @MensHumor
- I almost put Kale instead of Brussel sprouts in that list, but changed my minds. At least kale is really healthy. B.S. are useless and I don't know anyone who eats them voluntarily. Other useless veggies: Okra, iceberg lettuce (seriously just use spinach people), rutabagas, parsnips, black radish.
- I don't trust anyone who doesn't like dogs. You gotta have a real crater in your heart to not love those furry dudes.
- I mentioned this on Twitter but it is ASTOUNDING that it took until the year 2014 for a company to use the pun "Enjoyabowl" in a marketing campaign. You go, Purina One. Very sad I did not think of this first.
- Why don't murderers just take the bodies to an incinerator? Like, you already killed someone, might as well put "breaking and entering" on the list. It's not like it would be hard. Wait, do incinerators have security guards? Is that why they don't do it? Or is an incinerator just REALLY hard to operate, and most murderers don't have the knowledge necessary to run one on their own? Can cops identify someone from their ashes? Lots of factors in play here. CSI or somebody should do an episode around this.
- FUNNIEST ATHLETES OF ALL TIME* (can be intentional, unintentional, or both)
- Chris Bosh
- Pedro Martinez
- Clinton Portis
- Ilya Bryzgalov
- Bartolo Colon
- Rex Grossman
- Charles Barkley
- Brandon McCarthy (for this tweet alone)
- Alex Ovechkin
- My nephew Jake (he swims and plays lacrosse and trust me he's a fuckin' riot. Also he's not the one with poopy diapers.)
*like the last few years or whatever
- Unintentional comedy is the best comedy. One time, when me and my family were at the beach, we were playing this game Guesstures, which is basically charades but you get four topics at once and there's a timer and you can use props. OK. So my sister was up to go for my team. We get the first two (I don't remember what they were), but not all that quickly, so we've really gotta hustle on these last two, and my sister is aware of this. She takes one look at the topic card and BOLTS for the kitchen. Like, the fastest I've ever seen her go in my entire 19 years on this planet. She rips the fridge door open, scans its contents with the intensity of a thousand death hawks, and finds what she's looking for: a freshly bought glass jar of strawberry jelly. She grabs it and slams the door shut. She sprints back, determined to have us guess the clue in nick of time. Unfortunately for her, in all the excitement of the moment she forgot that between the living room and the kitchen in this particular beach house lies a single, intrusive step. She trips. Down she goes. Up flies the jelly, then it crashes on the floor and shatters into oblivion. The bloody-looking jelly remnants paint everyone in the room. It was, to this day, the funniest thing I have ever witnessed. But here's the kicker:
The clue wasn't even jelly. It was jam. FUCKING JAM.
Real life is the greatest.